Anyone have experience with long distance relationships? 

"Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2" (pompei426) 02/10/2015 at 19:14 • Filed to: None

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How did you make it? Yesterday, my girlfriend just went off to Australia for about 4-5 months. Day one isn't even down, and it's rough. I have great friends around me, and I know it will get better, but I feel lonely. Trust me, I have a stable life. I know she is a wonderful girl and I have noting to worry about. Completely honest. It's just the being apart that is rough. Also, we're not really clingy and we don't suffocate each other by any means. That pretty much it. So, how did you guys cope?

 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:18

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Nibby > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:18

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skype is your friend

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 >  02/10/2015 at 19:20

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Tried. Didn't work too well.

Funktheduck > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:21

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Stay in communication. Include some sexy times of some sort via skype/facetime/gchat or whatever. Be sure not to be too clingy and let her have a good time but don't get too distant because that's sad.

bob and john > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:23

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austrailia, dam. and thought there was some distance in the 1000 miles between me and my gf..

not really too much you can do. stay in touch, text, skype, etc etc. cant really do much about the no phyicisal contact.

find something new to do. go buy a old motorcycle and get it to run or something.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > Funktheduck 02/10/2015 at 19:23

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Yep, and thanks for being honest. I just have to find the right balance, but for now I'm not really going to interfere. And yes, sexy times of some sort will definitely help and have been discussed.

Jagvar > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:26

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I'm three years into my LDR. We see each other a couple times every month, so a lot of plane tickets are involved. Eventually, the plan is to live together, but we need to sort a lot of (mostly career-related) stuff before it happens.

We Skype or talk on the phone for at least an hour every day, which helps a ton. It's not always easy, but we do make it work.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > bob and john 02/10/2015 at 19:26

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Yep, pretty much. Just need to stay busy with other stuff.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > Jagvar 02/10/2015 at 19:30

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That's great, I don't want to take that much time from her, but we will work something out. Also, I need to come down to Katie's at some point this summer. Should meet more Oppos

PS9 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:31

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Pfft. Girlfriends. Who needs 'em? Not me, that's for sure...

*Drinks 12 six packs*

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > PS9 02/10/2015 at 19:31

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you're an inspiration

Funktheduck > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:31

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I think the hardest part for you will be time zones. I assume you're in a different time zones to the point where it'll be more difficult. Email is good and internet based texting. Don't get frazzled if she doesn't respond as quickly as you'd like.

E. Julius > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:33

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You can do it! After my first year with my girlfriend, we both left for school. So except for Christmas and summer time, we were 1000 miles apart. Close enough to fly once a semester, but that was about it. One summer she was in Spain while I was in Michigan, and this year I've been in France while she's been back in the states.

The biggest thing is communication, which can be broken down into two parts: frequency, and content. It will probably take a little while for you to find what a good amount of communication is if you haven't done long distance before. I wouldn't be surprised if you even had a couple little arguments about one not contacting the other enough and that sort of thing (I know I did). Don't let this discourage you, it's just a process of learning each other's needs and responding. The most important part of this process is being very explicit with how you feel.

If you think your girlfriend wants to talk too much or doesn't talk to you enough, tell her that in no uncertain terms, and encourage her to do the same. The compromise you arrive at may not be exactly what one person wants, but that's what a relationship is all about, and if you care for each other you will both want to be accommodating and make the other happy.

The second major part is content. My sister (who did a transatlantic relationship for 4 years before getting married) told me that it's important to focus on keeping your partner involved in your life, and I completely agree. Tell them you miss them and you love them, but don't let that dominate your conversation. Instead, talk about what you did that day, what your plans for the weekend are, how you're feeling, what you're excited about, etc. This will keep your relationship from becoming a stale script of "I miss you" "I miss you too" etc. etc.

Take advantage of the technology available. Text if you can. Even if you don't have long texting conversations, little things like saying good morning or goodnight or I love you go a long way toward making someone feel you still care about them from far away. Use Skype/facetime, but give them their space. Every once in a while set up a "Skype date" and think of something fun you two can do together. Something my girlfriend likes to do is read to me before I go to bed, which is easy because of the time difference. It helps me sleep and it helps us feel close to one another.

Finally, remember that it's a temporary situation. Don't obsessively count down the days or anything like that, but maybe just remind yourself every once in a while "hey, there's only a few months left". Something that my girlfriend and I do is count "goodbyes", since we see each other so infrequently. When we first started, it was something like 16 goodbyes until we were both done with school and could start our life together. Now we're down to just two and we couldn't be more excited.

To conclude this gigantic treatise, just remember that you can do it. Stay in touch, stay involved, and it will be over before you know it : )

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > Funktheduck 02/10/2015 at 19:33

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Yep, already know. 15 hours.

Funktheduck > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:37

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That's actually almost better. One of you will be morning while the other night and not an absurd time. 7AM for you 10 Pm for her right? or vice versa.

Funktheduck > PS9 02/10/2015 at 19:38

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I thought you were with Brt

Steve in Manhattan > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:38

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Think about this - a lot of couples stay together despite a bicoastal relationship.

And fly over to see her for a week or so if you can afford it. Good for the both of you.

rockingthe2 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:39

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Its gonna suck balls, make sure she is worth it. If she is worth it, everything will work out. If she isnt worth it, you just found the shittiest way to find out. Dont try "open" relationships, dont fuck around behind her back, and get a time consuming hobby.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:40

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Let the time difference work to your advantage - you both need to focus on your own lives during that gap when one of you is asleep. Don't spam messages, and try and dedicate some daily time or get into a routine. If that routine isn't working, then either change it or agree that daily talking is difficult. Be realistic. It ends eventually. The girl and I had a rough few months when she was overseas in japan because we were in a "should we/shouldn't we" state before she left about even starting a relationship.

Also......be levelheaded. You both need to be. You might be "tempted" and you might very well be faced with a situation where one of you "cheats" in some way. It isn't what you want to hear and not to be all doom and gloom, but it is a possibility. You have to have trust and faith in each other that whatever happens or whatever you feel will be discussed. It isn't the happy side of distance but take it from me, it HAS to be dealt with and not ignored. Don't pretend that things are okay if they aren't. If it works, then your relationship will get stronger for it. And then you two can go rallycrossing together and she can wear her own livery shirt :P

E. Julius > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:41

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The time difference can suck, but you can also use it to your advantage. Since one of you will always be awake when the other is waking up or going to sleep, you can do things at these times that you might not be able to do otherwise because you need to sleep too or get ready in the morning. This can be anything from bedtime stories to an "adult wake up call", but it's definitely a circumstance that can be leveraged.

PS9 > Funktheduck 02/10/2015 at 19:47

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I can't be with myself :(

blacktruck18 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:48

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Mrs Blacktruck and I have spent almost 4 years of our marriage apart I feel like I am somewhat of an expert on this. Like others have said skype, Skype sexy time, email and internet texting are your friend.

More than the physical means of commuting is the emotional side always say "I love you" when you get off the phone, never hang up on each other, and just be nice to each other on the phone.

Look at it this way I am sure you love your girl and love being around here. But, you get 5 months of doing whatever you want, without a woman judging you. Drink and play video games all day on a Sunday if you want, leave the dirty dishes in the sink, sit around the house in your drawers all day. Whatever do you boo-boo.

And most importantly, when you guys are on Skype and you run out of things to say just throw out a "Let me see them titties." That is the main key to a long distance relationship.

Funktheduck > PS9 02/10/2015 at 19:50

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But the other said you were in a relationship. I'm so confused.

jariten1781 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:54

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My wife and I were long distance a lot (school, deployments etc.) Probably about 3 of our first 5 years dating across multiple continents and with good 90 plus days of radio silence when I was on mission.

The first key is to communicate on a schedule. This was harder in the past. I was doing it over land lines, AIM, email. and IRC. I can't imagine what it was like with only letters, but people pulled it off then as well. Now, where you can bring around a cell phone with Skype this is mechanically easier, but it still requires commitment to keep it up.

Second is to trust and not worry about things outside your control. The self help creed "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to do what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". When you start worrying, think on that and if it falls into the first category you just have to let it go.

The last is to have an end state you're both working to. It doesn't have to be 'we'll get married in 18 months' but there has to be something otherwise your goals can diverge and it'll be a surprise to one of you when it comes out. Set a time to regroup and have ' The discussion' every so often so you can ensure you're both on the same trajectory.

pdx107 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 19:54

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Yeah, I'm in one now or I think I am, and she potentially just dumped me the day before my bday.

USA to England

Skype is your friend for sure, time zones blow though

JGrabowMSt > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 20:05

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Yes, and it didnt work very well. By not very well, I mean it was something my girlfriend struggled with, and I coped by hanging out with other friends. It was not easy, and in the end, she dumped me because there were things that I was unwilling to put up with, and her friends told her that she wasnt happy. Ultimately, I have no regrets, but was obviously disappointed in how the whole situation went down.

Distance is not for everyone. I can cope with it, but I very much dislike doing so because it leaves me unhappy. Thats not to say I would rather someone who never wanted to go away or that I dont trust my girlfriend, its that my relationship has pressure from the past that leave me unsettled and very anxious to make sure my girlfriend is safe, happy and healthy. I cant always be there, but I do my best to be there as often as possible.

Long story short, you're entering a temporary situation. She will come back, and you will be that much happier when she is. Get something for her, and keep it in the open, on your dresser or somewhere that it can act as a reminder of how much you want to give it to her. You'll do just fine. It is hard for the first couple weeks, especially getting situated and figuring out timing and schedules, but I promise you, it will be easy, and over before you know it. Keep yourself busy with your car and Oppo and your other friends and everything will fall into place.

Theres nothing to worry about. Dont default to thinking its the end of the world. Its a new feeling, and something you should experience so that you can better know yourself and her as well. Long distances change things a lot, but if youre happy, trusting and secure, you're already prepared for the next couple of months, you just havent realized it yet.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > Funktheduck 02/10/2015 at 20:08

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Other way. My 9am is her 12pm. I'm going to try my damned hardest to wish her goodnight everyday.

Officer Jim Lahey is not a real cop > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 20:10

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Videochatting. Occasionally we'd even just run it in the background if we were both home working/studying.

Also, if it's feasible, plan a trip that will break up the long stretch of time. Planning early will give you something to look forward to.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > rockingthe2 02/10/2015 at 20:32

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No we are pretty damn solid. It's a damn fairytale, actually. I won't go into too many details, but she was my 'girlfriend' when I was 3-5. We split, and the second day of college we meet up during orientation. I was an idiot and make a mistake that took me two years to get over, and this year I became the happiest guy . . . . . in the world.

AdverseMartyr > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 20:33

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So much what others have said about communication. I would emphasize the need to schedule set "dates" to talk/spend time together. If you have to cancel, don't just skip it (unless emergency). And throw in some random contact pieces that are just quick little things. (I'm sure you know the frequency that she will find endearing and not suffocating.)

Think up things to send the other. (Yourself is a good option).

If you both have Xbox/playstation use party functions to watch a movie together.

Be up front about how much you miss each other, but don't over-do it.

Ask for slightly inappropriate things on your Skype/Facetime dates that won't offend her, but will let her know you think she is beautiful and want to be intimate with her. (Don't save it, if there's anything the internet is good at it is finding saved photos people wouldn't want available to the public.) It's the intimacy (physical/mental/emotional) that is hard long distance and it needs worked at.

Have a normal life just like you did when she was around. Just make sure to make her aware that you know there is a hole in your 'as usual life' that needs her to fill it.

And if you both find it fizzling, consider if a quick trip to visit for a few days is advisable to see if the spark just needs some fuel.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > Steve in Manhattan 02/10/2015 at 20:34

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Thanks Steve. A flight with my funds (lack of) and time would kill. And, for some reason I just want to do the full stint just to prove that we can manage without each other and still be in a relationship. Also, just spent a good portion of my savings buying tickets to a concert as a surprise birthday gift for her, for when she gets back.

AdverseMartyr > bob and john 02/10/2015 at 20:35

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buying an old motorcycle is always the solution. (Miata is an acceptable 2nd option, but only just).

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > pdx107 02/10/2015 at 20:36

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So sorry to hear. You live and you learn. It's tough and just know that it's better you found out that way. Timing sucks. Trust me. My (whore-of-an)ex told me on my mothers birthday right before Christmas, that she was dumping me for her ex. Fucking awful.

Best of luck. Plenty of fish (and chips) in the sea. If you were on the USA side of the relationship, I am greatly sorry for the atrocious pun.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > blacktruck18 02/10/2015 at 20:40

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HOLY SHIT! You get me and I'm in the library laughing too hard right now. I always make sure she knows she is loved. I plan on making a card and sending it every week. I will have to be about 4 weeks ahead, but I know she'll love it.

Also, 'do you boo-boo' is my fucking go to. Just saying. And, yes, I'm sure after (hell in the middle of) a conversation, requests will be made, LOL.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > jariten1781 02/10/2015 at 20:46

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Point 1: It will be an interesting first few weeks while we figure out how much communication is just right. Modern tech makes it a whole lot easier.

Point 2: I don't have anything to worry about. I don't mean to sound stupid or ignorant, but I'm in such a perfect relationship. It's too much to write about, but basically our friends and parents would kill us if either of us looked elsewhere. And thankfully, neither of us would. We're both extremely faithful to each other and we already know we will get through this.

Point 3: No big goals are in place, but we already have a list of things we will do when she returns. Also, her birthday present (which is about a month before she gets back) is tickets to an event. So, we'll have that to look forward to.

rockingthe2 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 20:46

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I sincerely hope it works out great for the both of you, it will suck though. Get a hobby and work out, get fit and surprise her when she gets back.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > JGrabowMSt 02/10/2015 at 20:49

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Don't really have anything to worry about. Thanks for the great advice. I already have a picture of us (that she gave me) at the side of my bed. I have her birthday present (3 months from now) sitting on my dresser. And I trust her completely. The friend she went with promised me she would take care of her and she can't stop talking about how perfect the two of us are together.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 20:51

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did you cry a lot? Or only a little?

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 02/10/2015 at 20:51

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Thanks for being honest. I've pretty much explained in all my other responses that I'm not worried and I know she would never cheat. I know, sounds foolish, but trust me on this one. It's temporary. Finding the right amount of communication will be key, but shouldn't be rough. Also, I'm now focusing on other aspects of my life and trying to be a better person.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > E. Julius 02/10/2015 at 20:56

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Thank you so much for this. This is honestly the first post I really wish I could star more times. I completely understand and agree with what you are saying. I don't want her to think I'm reaching out too much or dwelling on the fact that we aren't together. I want to make communication meaningful and rejuvenating (if that makes sense). After a few weeks I know I'll be fine. I have great friends around me that are fully aware of what's going on and they care.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 02/10/2015 at 20:57

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Weirdly, I cried when she was actually still here. In front of her. Uhhh, I was a wreck. She's gone now and I feel depressed, but have talked about it so much and been reassured that I have nothing to worry about so many times, that I accept it and I'm honestly just excited and happy for her.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > rockingthe2 02/10/2015 at 20:59

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Pretty much the plan. Trying to kill it in my classes this semester. Become more active on campus. Get a damn internship. And, get in better shape.

JGrabowMSt > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 21:13

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The hardest part about any relationship is learning how to stand together and how to stand apart. Breathing room is important, so that's what you can focus on. Of course the relationship is nothing without the two of you, but in order for there to be the two of you, each of you need to exist. Love her, and miss her, don't think I'm trying to say that you shouldn't, because you absolutely should, just be mindful of the experience she's about to have, and you want to support that and even from halfway across the world however you can.

You'll do just fine. Good to know she's going with a friend that you're able to talk to, but just be mindful and do your best to take a little bit of a step back, for your own good. She'll recognize it and take a step forward to see what's up. Don't be distant, but don't hide anything from her, just do your best to be neutral about your side.

Your relationship will come out stronger because of it.

E. Julius > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 21:27

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Glad it helped! It's always important to have people close to you that you can rely on. And if you and your GF share the same group of friends, get one or two other people with you and Skype her in. Always makes my day when my GF and our friends do that back home.

CallMeTURBO > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 21:30

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the worst you can do is not give her enough space, adjusting to different time zones is very difficult, it won't be easy but from from someone who did study abroad it is very difficult to manage a home relationship when you have such a limited window of time to talk and the like. But straight up communication is key, the most comforting thing is usually a few texts now and then to let each other know your thinking about them

She will be much busier than you, so my recommendation is give her a week or so to adjust and then make a regular Skype date night kinda thing. That and I got in the habit of just sending her a text once in a while during to update how I was doing even though I knew she wouldn't see it till she woke up, and she caught on and did likewise.

Just my 2C

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 22:00

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That's pretty normal and it means you're human.....

Just soldier on, you'll be just fine, brochacho

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 22:10

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Buy a motorcycle. Your girl will dig your motorcycle. Trust me on this one. I speak from experience.

ttyymmnn > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 22:15

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Phone sex. Wait, do they even do that any more? I was separated from my fiancée for a school year. This was before the Internet, so all we really had were regular phone calls. It was hard, but we made it. But it was only VA to TX. I made one emergency, all-night drive to see her, and she came to visit one other time. We've been married for almost 25 years now. Good luck.

blacktruck18 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 22:18

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I actually used to do the card thing too. If your girl has a sense of humor just send her random cards that aren't a lovey dovey card. Hanukkah, Happy 75th birthday stuff like that, Mrs. Blacktruck used to think that was hilarious. Plus, my options were always limited on what I could buy.

Do you boo-boo is our thing too. We had a sign made they misspelled it but whatever.

jariten1781 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 22:35

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Sounds like you've got a good foundation.

Little warning, you will worry about something, be it staying out too late, not experiencing enough, spending too much, hanging around with people who do dumb things, whatever. Just remember to take a step back when that happens.

Best of luck to you two.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > jariten1781 02/10/2015 at 22:47

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Thanks. I know I will worry about stupid shit, be we all know everyone I surround myself with. So, I'm pretty safe from myself.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 02/10/2015 at 22:48

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Thanks bro beanz

twochevrons > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/10/2015 at 23:08

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It's definitely do-able, but it takes commitment from both sides. My wife and I spent most of the first three years of our relationship (and even the first eight months of our marriage) long-distance, with her in the US, and me in New Zealand. She has a very specific skill set that made finding a job in NZ an unrealistic proposition, while I was advised not to enter the US while my immigration application was being considered. Yes, it takes that bloody long.

I won't lie, it was brutally hard. There was a lot of crying involved. But, if you think she's worth it, and she thinks you're worth it, then there's nothing stopping you from keeping it up. As everybody else has said, communication is the key. We made a point of Skyping at least once a week, and e-mailing each other even more frequently than that. I lucked out in that my phone plan had crazy cheap international minutes, and my drive to work coincided with her lunch break, so I'd often call her up while I was stuck in traffic.

Visit if you can, but in my eyes, the most important thing is just to keep up a 'normal' level of communication. Even if it's through a computer screen, 'seeing' each other regularly makes a huge psychological difference. I suppose that it helps that my wife and I are both keen writers, but even just sharing each other's daily lives by e-mail, no matter how mundane, helped us to keep our connection alive through our time apart. Sometimes there were massive outpourings of feelings, sometimes it was just "I went to work today and was bored out of my skull, wish you were here." Either way, it helps to remind you of each other.

Long-distance is never easy, and there are always going to be low points. But if you're both set on making it work, then your chances are as good as any. Having a definite time for a return helps, too – the worst thing about my situation was that we had absolutely no idea when I would be able to move to the US. Just keep the faith, hang in there, and you'll get through it.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > twochevrons 02/10/2015 at 23:19

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Thanks. Communication will be key. I don't know when she's returning yet, but I don't know if I want to count down to the end of her adventure either. But definitely want something to look forward to.

Interceptor3 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/11/2015 at 00:13

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I am living in Australia, my fiancé is in Hong Kong teaching on a 2 year contract. She comes home for the school holidays and I head over 4 times a year or so. I am lucky with my job I can work remotely from HK so it is not so bad. I would move over if I did not want to leave my young son behind.

Outside of trips, FaceTime/Skype, instant messaging all the time. As someone else said, just open it up and leave it going when you can, then it is almost like you are in the room together.

I won't lie though, it is tough.

Buying a Miata does help though.

pdx107 > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 02/11/2015 at 00:14

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On the USA side, still going to do everything I can to right the wrong and make things proper.